Yesterday I was sitting with a friend enjoying coffee at a local Starbucks. She was sharing about an upcoming Pregnancy and Infant Loss event she is planning for October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I was excited to be participating and happy to share my story. I really enjoy having the opportunity to talk about my son, Jackson and how my love for him as grown over the years.
She asked me several questions and as I shared my story, I began to tear up. Even though it’s been six years, speaking about him reminds me of our time together -how brief it was and how much I still miss him.
She also asked me what actions I took that helped me through my grief. As I reflected on the question, I was reminded of how much time I spent searching for answers. I read books, searched websites, and spent countless hours in therapy – all searching for answers to the multitude of questions that I asked myself over and over again.
What helped me through my grief was the realization that I may never get all the answers I am looking for and no single answer is ever going to be exactly right. I’ll never know why my body decided to go into labor early or why my cervix was “hyper dynamic”. I’ll never know if going to a different hospital sooner would have given him a better chance at life. I’ll never know why I lost my child or why God took my son from me.
Here is what I do know. The answers to the impossible questions I kept asking myself weren’t found externally. They weren’t found in books or on websites. They weren’t hidden in movies or even in newsletters or blog articles like this.
I found a beautiful quote that still offers me comfort.
“Stop looking for the answers from strangers. The answers to your life are within you. Only you know what makes your heart feel at home. Only you can hear your inner voice. The key is in asking the right questions” – C Nordyke
For me, the answers of my inner voice are perfect in their imperfection and bring me peace as I remember and pay tribute to my son. Peace and freedom came to me when I gave up trying to get it all right and figure it all out. I accepted that the answers to the impossible questions reside within my mind and within my heart.
Your impossible questions belong to you and are part of your experience about life, love, and grief. And because the questions are your own, the answers are yours as well. No single answer will ever be right or wrong. The right answer is the one you claim for yourself based upon the wisdom and understanding of your inner voice.
As my friend and I closed our meeting after coffee, she asked me what my inner voice told me. My inner voice taught me that sometimes impossible things happen because suffering exists in our world and that without suffering and pain, I wouldn’t ever truly know joy and happiness. My inner voice reminded me that suffering and loss happen to all of us in our lives and that the only way to survive it is to look within and then share what we’ve learned with others. It is through the sharing that we be connected, support one another to ease our pain, and know that we are all in this life together.